Recently, I have been very ill. It started with a diagnosis of diabetes that was missed from when I was a child. (I moved around a lot, so when I was diagnosed as a child it was missed and manifested until I was an adult and it wasn't pretty.) I have been in and out of hospital stays every single month (sometimes more than once a month) for the past year. In that time, as well, I have lost over a hundred pounds without trying. In fact, my calorie intake is borderline sumo wrestler. I have lost my hair. Arm hair, leg hair, even my eyebrows are falling out. I have cut my hair painfully short to try and salvage what is left.

In June, I went into congestive heart failure. And then in August I started having fainting episodes and painful vertigo. I moved from NY to OH for a job that completely fell through. And I become more and more ill. After a hospital stay, I returned to try and get better. But I ended up losing my car, and as a result the only job that I had. I became sick and depressed and then I lost my health insurance.

In the state of OH, you are not eligible for Medicaid or any type of state-offered insurance of you do not have children. So. Since I did not have children (which I am biologically incapable of, I am in remission for lady-part cancer) and litter the world with responsibilities I was not yet ready for, I get punished. I am too ill to work, but the state of Ohio does not recognize diabetes as a debilitating disease.

For those who don't know about diabetes, a normal blood glucose level runs between 80 - 140. Hyperglycemia, or high blood sugar, starts around 250 in most sample models. My blood sugar has been 500+ and I am unable to get any medical attention. I don't have insurance. What happens is I go to the hospital, they get my sugar to 250 and send me home. But it never gets below that, in the normal range. They won't admit me without insurance.

Now I am going to FL where they have health care incentives in the county in which I will be staying that will hopefully benefit me. If this does not work, I'm not sure what I will do. I am constantly hospitalized. I would not be able to make it at a job for the required number of days without absence to be assured a position with insurance. Not just that, but a majority of insurance companies will not cover you for a previous condition for one calendar year. So for one year, I would have to pay for insurance and not be able to use it for: cancer treatment, diabetes, thyroid, hypertension, hypercholesterolemia, auto-immune disorders, or any other issue I have had. The list goes on.

And to top it off, people have been less than nice to me. It makes me really frustrated that people who say they are friends will get shitty with me because I don't have the energy to pay attention to them every second of every day. Storylines have had to be cut short. I'm sorry it came to that, but what the fuck else was I going to do? I didn't know if I was going to be able to eat some days. I have nothing left and people want to get shitty with me because my encouragement was misconstrued. I'm tired.

I'm going to treat others just how they've treated me.

How is your life so horrible when you can eat, when you can get help? When you don't have to worry where you're going to sleep tonight. When you have a job and a car and although you have a lot of bills, you can pay them. You have someone who loves you and a family who does too. I can't sit and lament about MY life because I know there are people who have it worse than I do and who are surviving. And that's what I'll do, too.

Life is beautiful and precious. If you don't think so, I have no business being friends with you.

And for those friends who support me, thank you so much. Because of you all, I've been able to fight through cancer twice. I've been able to wake up in the morning and wash the dishes because I know there's something to look forward to. Slowly, my creativity is being nursed back. I love you all and I will repay your kindness when I am well. And I will be well again! Soon!